18th April 2012 I knew that I almost died but Candy today told me that she was told to expect the worst outcome for me and that she was allowed in the resuss room to say goodbye to me as my heartbeat was down to 20 beats a minute and I was close to dying. But something inside of me kept me going, to fight to live, to come back to Candy.
I think I know what that was and that was my love for
Candy as I still very much love her even now, despite my constant worry about
her.
She told me today that she was planning on committing
suicide 3 years ago when she fell and broke her ankle by that field. She wished
that she could have rolled down that slope into the river to drown and not be
found. She has been in survival mode since 2002 when her dad had his stroke and
passed away and it got worse in 2009 with my legs becoming infected and then in
2012 when I almost died and then in 2013 when I was in hospital for 7 months
and I lost my legs and since then having multiple heart attacks, strokes, and
seizures and then back in 2020, stupid fucking me pushing her away to save her
as I thought she would be better without me, but I fucked up and I know that
was a huge mistake I have ever made in my life, and she said that I broke her
spirit and she does not love me anymore, she still cares about me and that’s
why she is still here as she knows that I would not be able to look after
myself nor will I be able to handle this place and she did not want to be known
as a coward by the people living here.
She even admitted that two weeks ago, she wanted to
set alight numbers 2, 5, 6, and 8 and burn them to death and watch them die in
flames while she waits outside for the fire brigade and police officers. She does
not mind doing time for them.
I am worried, very worried, I cannot lose her and I need
to fix this somehow.
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