Candy has been "ugly" crying as she put it in the bathroom, for over two hours as she has been blaming herself for treating me bad, being the badguy in all of this between us both, not receiving any birthday messages from my friends except for five of them, and for also reading a private message between Ryan and I last month, where I said to him that Candy was having a tantrum, called her a changeling, and I laughed at her!!!
She said it takes a lot for her, not to walk out and hang herself, and that she needs to live her own life, but not hurt me, as she will always come across as the bad guy!
She has not got the strength to sort this place out and tidy/pack everything up, and I said i will get help in to do this for her.
She said sorry for reading my messages, and I told her if she had read messages from me last year, she would have seen where I blamed myself for everything and that she is not the bad person in what happened as I screwed up.
She even complained that i refused to dance with her back in Stokesley and not go out when we were living in Easingwold!
For starters, I don't remember much after my seizure in 2014, and we lived in Stokesley between 2009-2013. and I spent most of my time sitting in my chair as I could not move around that well due to my legs.
And as for Easingwold, I could not go out as much as we were squatting and somebody had to stay indoors all the time, which was me, and I stopped going out walking with her as I injured my back due to saving Candy from falling down the stairs as I stopped her.
So my physical activity kinda stopped a lot, and my back use to kill me just walking down to the bottom of our road.
I never wanted to bother her when she worked at the gym, and I never had any right clothes to wear.
And I have asked to go with her to this gym in Guisborough with her as i really want to, but she seems not interested.
She complained that she has no friends, and that all my friends are all on my side, Ryan did not bother wishing her a birthday message, which I did not know, but I did not say anything to anyone about ignoring her as i do recall that when our troubles started, I made the point in posting on my page and telling people, that everything is my fault and she is blameless.
She even moaned that Julie ignored her, they are not even FB Friends, and as for Nicky, she is always like that, even with me.
Heck, I've not even seen any of my friends for nearly/over 20 years since moving up North.
I actually asked her if she had slagged me off or any of her friends like David, Fox, and Vicky, even Lee. and she denied it all.
I know for a fact that is a lie, as she has slagged me off to David and Lee and they have said hurtful things about me too.
Yes I do have friends, but I am not as close as I would like us to be.
She does not want to hurt me, but she says she will end up doing it anyway, She does not want me to be alone in a place that I don't want to be living in and it will be her fault!
I said I would continue supporting her and help her in anything she needs.
She knows why I did push her away and flinch at her when she got close to me, but I was scared as i nearly died in Hospital, and I worried that she could catch Covid from me, that I was doing her a favor, the right move, but neither of us talked to each other and about our fears and problems, and I did hurt her, and that was one thing I would never ever do and I regret it all. She is the last person I would have ever dreamed of hurting and I ended up doing it.
I still want and need her in my life, partially down to still loving her and worrying about her health and safety.
Is that so wrong for being needy and selfish?
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